Why I Can’t Walk Through Valencia Without Embarrassing Myself

3 Nov

I have a confession to make: I have a dog problem.

This is maybe not a new development.  I was raised by parents who considered the two dogs they adopted before my birth to be their first two children, and I’ve grown up with no less than five dogs of varying size, breed, and personality.  Whenever I Skype my parents at home, I get a few minutes to reconnect with the three who are still with us.  Schizo Dog, whom we added to our family after she had been abused as a puppy, is a gorgeous Chesapeake Bay retriever: ladylike, regal, and completely insane.  (She once ate an entire door frame, and her bladder control has never been what you’d call…constant.)  Snuffly Dog is a shaggy black mutt who has the same cheerful, cuddly ugliness as most indiscernible mixes (is she a shepherd?  A Lab?  Maybe part spaniel?  It’s anyone’s guess!).

Small Dog, who is undoubtedly a bit of a camera whore.

Small Dog, who is undoubtedly a bit of a camera whore.

Small Dog, a late addition to our family, is half wire-haired Dachshund and half Shih-Tzu, meaning that many people mistake her for a teddy bear until she barks.  This breed is apparently called a Schweenie, which is possibly the silliest name for an animal ever created.  Growing up with dogs rubbing their faces against my knees, eating food off my plate, and licking my nose when I’m sad means that it’s never been a question of whether I’ll adopt a dog when I get my own place.  Instead, it’s when.

The root of my problem is that Valencia.  Is full.  Of.  Dogs.  I can’t even walk to the fruit store next door without encountering several Chihuahuas, a few pugs, and maybe a terrier or two.  Owing to the small size of most Spanish apartments, most dogs are of the little kind (it isn’t strange at all to see hulking men in leather jackets walking frilly Pomeranians with bows in their hair), but the occasional golden retriever or Bernese mountain dog isn’t uncommon either.  In the main plaza, I once encountered a Great Dane so large I probably could have ridden him down the streets of Valencia instead of taking the bus.  It seems like every single Valencian has a canine best friend, which means that I feel the pain of lacking one even harder.  Maybe it’s my latent maternal instinct kicking in and telling me to reproduce, except that my brain seems to think that I’m a dog, because all I want are puppies.  Lately, I’ve been ending every message to my family with “and please send me a puppy in the mail, xoxo, Elizabeth.”

In which I bond with Maravilla, the cuddliest donkey ever.

In which I bond with Maravilla, the cuddliest donkey ever.

My obsession has gotten so intense that I’ve found myself going gaga over animals everywhere.  A pair of regal, plump Persian cats that I’ve named Victoria and Albert live on the balcony below my apartment in Spain.  My roommate Sally and I sometimes spend our mornings meowing at them, trying to see if they’ll meow back.  (They haven’t.  Yet.)  In the nearby town of Bocairent, I let a two-month-old boxer puppy chew on my fingers and leave bite marks on my leather Steve Madden boots, then had an intimate moment with some random man’s donkey.  I will sometimes stop dead in the middle of a street to stare at someone’s schnauzer or doe-eyed chocolate lab.  At this point, I’m considering making a sign to tape to my shirt that says, “I’m Not Staring At You, I’m Staring At Your Adorable Dog.”

Things have gotten so bad that I found myself Googling “animals in teacups” a few nights ago.  Did you know that all kinds of baby animals can fit in teacups?  Because THEY CAN!  Take a look:

Kittens!

Bunnies!

And this hedgehog even matches the color scheme!

After reading this Buzzfeed article, I terrified my boyfriend by telling him I wanted a kid for Christmas (before I clarified that I meant a baby goat).  I told my mom that I was thinking of adopting a dog and keeping it in my dorm room next semester.  Perhaps I’ve always had it in me, or perhaps living in Valencia has brought it out, but I am starting to lose it to clumsy-legged bundles of fur.    All I can hope is that I’m able to hold onto my senses until I return to Schizo Dog, Snuffly Dog, and Small Dog in December – or my host mom might come home to find that I’ve snatched a ‘regalito’ for her off the streets while some poor dog owner had his back turned.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Why I Can’t Walk Through Valencia Without Embarrassing Myself”

  1. briandrush November 3, 2013 at 10:55 am #

    Based on this story, which left me grinning by the way, I’m going to recommend a blog by my friend Christi Glover, called Farmlet: http://farmlet.wordpress.com. I’ve introduced her to your poetry earlier, so now this is symmetry.

    • elizabethballou November 6, 2013 at 6:00 am #

      I’m glad to hear my moments of silliness can at least leave people grinning 🙂 I will certainly check out Christi’s blog as soon as I have a moment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: